The Test
by Hotshot
Summary: I love you, Ben said. It wasn't quite the soft tone he typically reserved for Michael. The words seemed almost accusing.  Michael agonizes over getting tested for HIV for the first time since beginning to date Ben


The Test

Hotshot

Michael watched the nurse tie the tourniquet around his arm. Once she pulled out the needle he looked away, wincing only slightly as it pricked his skin. He sat there for a few moments as they filled the vials and then it was all over.

"Alright, Mr. Novotny, the test results should be back before the end of the week. The clinic will call and leave you a message, and it is your responsibility to come in for the results."

"Okay," Michael responded. His voice was flat. It wasn't as though it was the first time he had been tested.

"Well then, we will talk to you in a few days. Have a nice day." She walked out of the room with her cheery demeanor.

Michael rolled down his sleeve and shrugged on his jacket. He didn't understand how someone who probably delivered bad news at least once a day could be so perky. He paid at the front desk and ducked quickly out of the building, not wanting to linger when frankly the place made him uncomfortable.

Outside was quite a contrast to the clinic; it was sunny, and the last of the snow was melting. He strolled quickly to the parking lot where Brian's jeep was waiting.

Despite his hard exterior Brian was a good person; there were days when Michael felt as though he was the only one who realized it. When he had asked Brian for his car that morning Brian had handed him the keys without even asking what Michael needed the car for. Anyone else would have interrogated him. Well, any of his friends anyway, not to mention his mother.

But then Brian was also smart. When Michael arrived back at Vanguard it was almost three and he was sitting at his desk, pouring over the sheets of paper spread across it and rubbing his temples as though annoyed by a particularly large headache.

"So, you're finally getting tested," he said without looking up. It wasn't a question.

Michael dropped the keys onto Brian's desk, "How do you know these things? Is there a tracking device on your car or something?"

Brian cracked a grin, "Well, most places in this God-forsaken burgh are within bike or walking distance of your humble abode. If you had just needed a way to get somewhere you would have asked me to drive you on my lunch."

Michael frowned. Sometimes he hated when Brian was right.

"But, you asked me to _lend_ you my car for a few hours. You were going somewhere by yourself and you didn't want anyone to know."

He sat back, "and you've been out with us more than in with Zen Ben this week which leads me to think there's some trouble in paradise."

"There is no 'trouble in paradise,' thank you very much," Michael countered.

"Right." Brian didn't believe a word of it.

Michael slumped down into one of the office chairs. "Everyone's been on my case on whether I've been tested or not since Ben was in the hospital." Michael threw up his hands in defeat. "And last weekend even he started saying that maybe it was time I got tested."

"Well he's right. I've heard your mother's lecture more than once. 'If you're going to date someone who's positive you'd damned well better be getting tested regularly.'"

Amazingly enough he pulled off a monotone Deb pretty well.

"Yeah maybe, but Christ Brian, I didn't think Ben would be the one arguing with me over it. If we weren't at my apartment I think he would have kicked me out the other night."

"And you all wonder why I steer clear of, what's that term again, commitment," Brian shuddered.

Michael rolled his eyes. Brian and Justin were committed whether Brian wanted to believe it or not.

"I'm pretty sure you don't avoid the nagging and all the requests even without that," he said pointedly thinking of Justin's mostly obedient, lapdog-type behavior.

"Well, that's what I keep you around for."

"Thanks," Michael knew there was a compliment buried somewhere in Brian's insult. He started to rise from his chair but Brian motioned him back down.

"Stick around. I've just got to finish going over these contracts and then I'm out of here. Back to the loft for a while and then to Babylon."

Michael shook his head, "I think I'm going to stay in tonight."

"A beer and a ride home then."

That earned Brian a pointed look from Michael as he said slowly, "By the time we get out of here it _might_ be four. Isn't that a bit early to start drinking?"

"It's five o'clock somewhere." Brian quipped.

"Okay," Michael relented. Both of them knew they would probably end up at the diner, and then at Woody's before everyone else walked over to the fun at Babylon. Michael was going to stick to his guns tonight and go home rather than staying out and avoiding the issue.

1

Even after his stay in the hospital Ben's sex drive was, in the least, healthy. He had pinned Michael to the bed three days after getting home and turned Michael's lecture that he was supposed to be taking it easy to panting and heavy moans.

"That's not fair," Michael gasped, stretched out across the bed when they were done.

Ben tossed the condom into the trash and lay down next to him, "What isn't?"

"You have this affect on me," he bit back a moan as Ben's hand began to rub his thigh and rolled over so that they were face to face. "You're supposed to be taking it easy but when you do..." he trailed off, groping for the right word and grabbing Ben's hand in his, "_...what you do, _I just can't stop myself."

"Well, how do you think I feel?" Ben asked, a troubling smirk playing across his features. "I've been in the hospital or taking it easy for the past week and I can't count the times you've waltzed by shirtless, or with that sexy, wicked grin of yours, or something and all I've wanted to do is jump you."

"You were sick," Michael leaned in and kissed him carefully, "and I was worried. Can you blame me for wanting to make sure you were healthy?" Without waiting for a response he went on kissing his way down Ben's neck, licking away the thin sheen of sweat.

Ben's hand came up to rest at the base of Michael's neck as he kept kissing along Ben's collarbone, but neither of them spoke.

Finally Ben broke the silence, "I am healthy. And I worry about you too."

"What for?" Michael didn't even glance up from his ministrations, leaving a small red splotch at the base of Ben's neck.

"About you getting sick."

At that Michael paused, "I'm fine."

"Michael," he removed his hand from Michael's back, and pressed it against his chest, forcing him to sit back. "Have you been tested since we started seeing each other?"

Michael froze and just stared back at Ben for a moment before replying; "I feel fine. I didn't think there was a reason to. We've been careful."

"Yeah, I know that Michael, but we still need to be sure. You need to get tested regularly. You'd be doing it if you were single, wouldn't you?"

"Of course but-"

"No buts, have you been tested since we started seeing each other?"

Michael shook his head and spoke quietly, "No, I haven't."

Ben sighed, "This week okay? I've got no classes tomorrow. I can go to the clinic with you."

"Ben, we're both healthy. Why go messing with that?"

"Because I worry more than anything that your test is going to come back positive."

"I'm fine." Michael insisted, "I'll go get tested once the semester is over for you and you don't have to be caught up in anxiously waiting for me to-"

"That's another two months!"

Michael shrugged.

"I want you to go this week. I'll go with you if you want."

"I don't need or want to go, now can we just drop it."

"No we cannot drop it Michael," Ben's voice was starting to bristle with annoyance. "You may not want to go but _I need_ to know you're healthy. If you're not going to do it for me think about your mother, your friends. Think about how worried they were when you first started seeing me. Think about how worried they still are. They may not say it anymore but you know they're concerned. All you need to do is take the damn test and reassure everyone, including me, that you are fine. Now please, tomorrow?"

Michael shook his head. "I've got shipments coming in all day tomorrow. I'll go when I'm ready."

Ben sighed, clearly frustrated, "Soon."

"I promise," Michael agreed.

Ben kissed him gently before lying down and tugging at Michael to lay down with him. Michael gratefully obliged, glad Ben wasn't mad enough to leave. He could feel that Ben was still tense if not a bit angry from the way his arms wrapped tightly and stiffly around Michael's middle.

"I love you," Ben said. It wasn't quite the soft tone he typically reserved for Michael. The words seemed almost accusing.

"You too," Michael whispered back, his voice normal as he buried his face against Ben's shoulder.

He expected Ben to release him but the bigger man kept his hold tight. It was as if holding onto Michael was somehow going to convince him to go willingly. Even after Ben was asleep Michael remained curled up against him. He listened to Ben's deep, even breathing, taking at as a sign that he was still there, still healthy. And, as ironic as it was with the disease running through Ben's veins, Michael had always felt safe and secure with Ben's arms around him.

1

"What do you mean you haven't been tested yet?" Ted asked, choking on his coffee Friday morning.

Michael dropped his head to the table he was seated at across from Ted and Emmett.

"Why is it such a big deal all of a sudden? Before I said it out loud no one had even asked me when the last time I got tested was."

"We didn't ask because we thought you had," Emmett told him pointedly, "If we'd known we would have dragged you down to that clinic months ago."

"Speaking of which, when was the last time you _were_ tested?" Ted asked.

Michael frowned as he stirred sugar into his coffee, "Around the time I first met David."

"David!?" Emmett was shocked. "Honey, that was over a year and a half ago!"

"What reason have I had since then?" Michael asked. He began speaking again quickly, "And don't you dare say because my boyfriend is positive. The only time either of you ever went was when someone found out they were positive and you'd had unprotect-"

"Safe or not, Ben has HIV, and that means there is a possibility that you could get it." Ted lectured, "Do us all a favor and get yourself tested, even if it is just to humor us."

Michael let all of the air out of his lungs and stared at his friends for a moment before standing up and tossing a few dollars down onto the table.

"I don't need this right now. I have to get to work, see you guys later."

"Michael," Ted's voice was frustrated, pleading with him to come back, "Michael come back for a minute. Michael!"

Michael ignored him and left the diner, turning in the direction of the Red Cape Comics. At least his customers wouldn't harass him about his decision not to get the test. Sometimes Michael really longed to be ten years old again; he could just sit and read comics all day and not have to worry about any of this shit.

Michael spent three glorious hours without any interaction with anyone over the age of sixteen, a crowd so blissfully unaware of the battle raging in Michael's conscience. He barely looked up when the bell over the door rang and only did so when a to-go cup of coffee from the Liberty diner was placed on the counter in front of him.

Michael looked up. It was Emmett.

"What, are you here to yell at me some more?" he asked, still cross over that morning's conversation.

Emmett held up his hands for peace. "Did I yell at or berate you at all at breakfast?"

Michael thought back to their conversation only to remember that Emmett had been unusually quiet, "No, I guess not. Sorry."

"Can I sit down then?"

Michael cleared a crate of old comics off of the extra stool he had sitting behind the counter.

"Now tell me why you don't want to get this test."

"Em," Michael sighed, going to stand up.

Emmett put a hand on his arm stopping him, "Well there's obviously something stopping you. If you're afraid that's completely understandable. I mean, do you remember that weekend I spent thinking that I was positive." Emmett held up his hands as though to ward off the thought, "God forbid I ever have to go through that again."

"It's not that," Michael shook his head. "I just feel like I'd know if I had it, I feel like I would know something was wrong."

"And how long was Ben sick before he found out?"

Michael's shoulders slumped. "It's not _me_ that I'm scared for. It's him. If there was something wrong with me, if I was sick... I can't even imagine how hard he would take it. I mean, that's what he's most scared of in the entire world, spreading HIV to someone else, to me. It would kill him."

"And you finding out you've been infected after six months... maybe a year of being sick would be better?" Emmett asked, "I mean, imagine if you ended up like Vic."

Michael stared at him for a moment.

"Back when I was growing up in Hazlehurst, Mississippi-"

"Em, I've got to go." Michael stood up. He called out to the two young patrons still in the store, promising them a free comic apiece if they could check out now. They both ran eagerly over to the counter.

"Michael, it's the middle of the day. You can't just close down the store." Emmett argued, "Where on Earth are you going?"

"Vanguard, to borrow Brian's jeep and go down to the clinic."

"I'm sure Teddy would drive you." Emmett suggested.

Michael nodded, "Yeah, but Brian's the only one who isn't wrapped up in this whole mess. He won't ask me what I need the car for."

Emmett stood up and let Michael out from behind the counter. As the two of them stepped outside Emmett wrapped his arms around Michael's shoulder and kissed him firmly on the cheek.

"Call when you get your results."

"I will," Michael patted Emmett's arm and began to walk down the street on his own. The walk to Vanguard wasn't short but it was shorter than catching a bus to the hospital would have been.

Cynthia smiled when she saw him, "Michael, it's been a while."

"Hi Cynthia," he replied, plastering a smile across his face. It wasn't exactly fake, but he was struggling to be happy when his insides felt like they were being put through a grinder.

"Is Brian in?"

She rolled her eyes, "When is he not? Be careful though, he's been a raging jackass all morning. One of the artists is late and he's been on the phone with a rep for the past hour."

Michael would have laughed. As it was he managed a weak smile and nodded, "I think I can handle that."

Cynthia looked at him for a moment before motioning toward his office door, "Then, by all means... but when he chews you up and spits you out don't complain to me." She had seen Brian in a mood like this before and knew even Michael couldn't even get him out of this funk all of the time.

Brian was facing the back wall of his office when Michael stepped inside and closed the door behind him.

"The art will be done, on your computer, charged to us within an hour. Do you hear me, one fucking hour! No, it couldn't be helped, even if the art department had five more-" as he spun around in his chair he caught sight of Michael and cut himself off. "Hold on just one minute."

Without even waiting for a reply he pressed one button and then another, "Cynthia, tell Raul that if those markups aren't on my desk in five minutes I'll have him castrated. They still do that in Mexico don't they?" He hung up without waiting for a reply.

"What's up?"

"I need to borrow the jeep." Michael said. No more, no less.

One of Brian's eyebrows rose slightly. "Last time I let you do that the word 'faggot' got spray painted across it in bright pink letters by a gang of homo-hating twelve-year-olds."

"I'll be back in an hour, two tops."

Brian opened one of the drawers in his desk and tossed the set of keys at Michael, who caught them and nodded as a thank you.

"You so much as scratch it and you can pay to get it detailed," Brian yelled after him as he closed the office door.

The chairs in the waiting room at the clinic were colder and harder, overall more uncomfortable than he remembered. The wait dragged on forever and as Michael looked around, unable to find a single familiar face, he almost regretted going alone. Part of him wished he had allowed Ben to come with him. It wasn't too late to call. No, Ben had a class. Michael couldn't expect him to drop everything and come right over to just sit there with him.

"Michael Novotny."

His breath caught in his throat as his name was called. Great, now he got to go sit in one of those cold, sterile exam rooms and explain to that too-cheery nurse why he needed to be tested. He could only imagine how many people in the straight world would give him _that_ look for willing dating someone who could infect him.

1

"Are you sure you don't want to come to Babylon tonight?" Brian asked as he pulled up in front of Michael's apartment.

"I've been out with you almost every night this week," he argued, "I need a few days to recuperate."

"Ahh yes, after having blood drawn it takes a while for the blood flow to return to normal in some rather vital organs." Brian reached over and grabbed at Michael, making him jump. "Thought so."

"Screw you," Michael said good-naturedly, swatting his hand away. "I'll see you later."

He leaned over and kissed Brian quickly before climbing out of the car. He was barely on the curb before the jeep peeled off down the street. He just shook his head. He didn't know how Brian did it, but he had somehow occupied the past six hours of Michael's day.

When he opened the door to the apartment the first thing he saw was Ben. He was standing in the doorway to the kitchen with a mug of something hot in his hands, talking to Emmett, who looked ready for a night at Babylon.

"Michael," Emmett's voice interrupted whatever Ben had been saying, "I was starting to wonder if you were actually coming home tonight."

"Of course I was," Michael shrugged his coat off before leaning into a quick kiss hello from Ben. His lips tasted like cinnamon tea and he grinned back at Michael.

"What are you doing here?"

"I haven't seen much of you the past few days," Ben explained, "I wanted to stop by and check in on you."

"Why don't you two come to Babylon with me and Teddy?" Emmett asked, "He's going to be here in a few minutes."

"No thanks," Michael declined, "I kind of feel like staying in tonight."

"Who am I to argue with that?" Ben asked.

"Well then I'll just have to find a trick who's willing to take _me _home." Emmett took the hint to clear out, "and on that note I'm going to go and wait for Ted outside."

The kiss Ben and Michael shared once Emmett was out of the apartment was quite a bit longer that the previous one had been. Ben pressed Michael back against the wall and ran his hands down over his shoulders. As he reached the bulge of cotton at Michael's right elbow, however, Ben stopped abruptly.

"Michael..." he began.

Michael fell silent for a moment, just looking up at Ben. They both knew he had come over, not just to see Michael but to start up the 'you need to get tested' discussion again.

"Brian lent me his jeep this afternoon. I went down to the clinic." He said it nonchalantly; with the same tone he would have had if he told Ben he had spent the entire day reading comics.

Michael tugged upwards on his sleeve and pulled the bandage off, making a face and walking off into the kitchen to dispose of it.

Ben followed him, stopping in the doorway.

"I would have gone with you."

Michael pulled a beer out of the refrigerator and leaned back against the counter. He looked at Ben for a moment, nodding his head in agreement.

"I know," he shrugged, "But to be perfectly honest I wasn't even planning on going. I was kind of freaked out by the whole idea of sitting in that clinic and by the time I got there and thought to call you I knew you were in the middle of a lecture."

"And now you're..." Ben could tell Michael wasn't calm. He was trying to relax but he was nothing if not slightly on edge. Ben understood. After getting tested and facing the possibility of being positive it was understandable. Actually, knowing Debbie he was surprised Michael was as composed as he was pretending to be.

"Wishing it was Monday so I could get my damned test results back."

Ben took a few steps across the kitchen and took the drink from Michael's hand, placing it on the counter. He leaned against Michael, hands on his hips and carefully kissed his way along Michael's neck, along his jaw, and finally kissed him carefully on the lips. He knew it wouldn't do much but it was the only way he knew to comfort someone in this situation.

Resting his forehead against Michael's he asked, "Have you freaked out yet?"

A bitter laugh actually bubbled up out of Michael's chest at that as he leaned more heavily into Ben. "With Brian at Woody's."

"Good," Ben said.

"Good?"

"You got it out of your system," Ben rubbed his back. "It's the first time you've gotten tested thinking that it was a serious possibility that you might have it. Trust me; I spent two days locked in my bedroom waiting to hear my results back"

Michael shivered in his arms, letting out a long sigh.

"Everything's going to be fine," Ben told him.

"You know everyone keeps telling me that but-"

"Because we have every certainty you will be. Like you said, we've been safe," He held Michael by the shoulders now, "And even if something happens, even if, God forbid, you come back positive I am not going anywhere."

"You promise?"

Ben smiled at the child-like tone Michael's voice had taken on, "You're going to be negative."

Michael nodded but Ben could see the doubt hidden in his deep brown eyes.

Ben paused for a moment before lowering his hands on Michael's back and pulling him away from the counter and making his way behind him, steering him out of the kitchen.

"Where are we going?" Michael asked.

"Bedroom," Ben kissed his shoulder.

"Ben..." Michael wasn't sure that he was in the mood for that right now. To be honest, he was on the verge of seriously freaking out again.

Michael disentangled himself from Ben as they reached the bedroom. He sat down on the edge of the bed and gave Ben what he considered to be a serious look as his boyfriend stripped off his shirt.

"How exactly is this supposed to help me?" he asked.

Ben bent down and kissed Michael, running his hands up and down over his thighs. He whispered slowly in Michael's ear, "I am going to make you forget all about everything, okay."

As though to emphasize his point he scraped his teeth over the sensitive skin behind Michael's ear. There really was nothing that he could say to comfort Michael that he hadn't already said, and there was nothing to absolutely assure him that he was negative. But one thing Ben knew that he could do was take Michael's mind off of the issue, force him to focus on something more enjoyable.

Michael seemed to get that too. He moaned and sank forward against Ben who laughed and pushed him back onto the bed before carefully climbing on top of him.

Michael looked up at him and nodded.

Ben smirked, "Well, where do you want to start?"

Just the look on Ben's face and the way he said those words was enough to put any thought of the day's events out of Michael's mind, and he sat up, lips crashing against Ben's in a desperate kiss.

1

Ben hated Mondays. His classes were far too early in the morning and his office hours stretched on until five o'clock. The classes that day had seemed even earlier because he had spent the entire weekend at Michael's apartment, being the comforting, supporting boyfriend that he was. Michael was in a good place mentally, comforted by the fact that everyone he had talked to had given nothing but support. Now it was Ben who was closer to freaking out; he had barely slept all weekend.

It certainly didn't help that he was grading midterms this week, had a class proposal due, and a plethora of meetings with advisees. By early afternoon his mind was far from the issue of Michael's test results.

When there was a knock at his door just after three Ben didn't even look up, his mind simply ran through his schedule.

"Come on in Chris, I'm just going to print out a copy of your recommendation and we can go over the classes that you're looking at for next semester."

He turned to his computer and began searching for the right file without even glancing at his young student. That is, until a plain white envelope was dropped on the desk in front of him. Ben picked up the envelope without looking up. The front of it was blank; what the fuck was this?

His gaze rose to find Michael standing in front of his desk.

"Hey baby, what are you doing here?" he asked.

Michael nodded at the envelope still clutched in Ben's hands, "Results."

Ben froze, unable to believe that he had forgotten.

"Did you look at them yet?"

Michael nodded.

Ben tore open the envelope in his hands, not waiting for Michael to just tell him. He unfolded the piece of paper and scanned the page. His shoulders slumped.

"Ben?"

Ben stood and reached across the desk, wrapping his arms around Michael. "Thank fucking God."

Michael couldn't help but laugh because the phrase was so utterly un-Benlike.

"I told you that you'd be negative," Ben said, not loosening his grip in the least.

"Then why did you rip those results open so fast?"

Ben took a deep breath, letting out a weak laugh, "Okay, you caught me. I was worried." He kissed Michael, "I don't know what I would do if I got you sick."

"You didn't. You won't." Michael slid his arms up around Ben's neck and despite the desk between them they were practically on top of one another.

Ben drew him into another kiss and they lost themselves in the good news, in one another.

"Umm... Professor?"

Ben pulled back from Michael immediately, noting his boyfriend's slight blush.

"Sorry Chris, come on in." He kissed Michael's cheek once more, "I'll be home by five-thirty, and tonight you and I are going out to celebrate."

Michael smiled, nodding, "I'll see you tonight." He backed out the door, the smile never leaving his face.

Ben grinned after him until he disappeared out of sight and then turned to his student; the poor boy was bright red and looked quite a bit uncomfortable.

"Okay Chris, let's print out that recommendation for you." His mood was suddenly very much improved and he grinned as he sat back down at his computer still holding Michael's test results in his hand.

1

A/N: I've never really been completely happy with the way QAF dealt with the HIV. Yes, Ben and Michael had a few issues with it (as did everyone else) but they never showed the day to day of it. They never showed Ben or Hunter taking medication or talked about Michael being tested. Anyway, I posted tis on lj a while ago and it was pretty well received so I figured I'd try for some feedback here.

Hotshot


End file.
